The title says it all, but how does one simply go on after a miscarriage? In order to tell you how I’ve moved on, if you ever can say that you have, I must tell you how it felt to know that we were having a baby.
I will never forget the feeling when my wife, Kayla, told me that she was pregnant. She told me the day before she had a surprise for me, I hate surprises. She came home from work that morning and I basically forced her to show me the surprise right then and there. As I laid in bed while she got the surprise ready, I wondered what it could be? Maybe a new pair of Jordan’s that I had been wanting, or some other materialistic thing that didn’t matter. Right before the fear of not knowing took over, I heard her voice say okay you can come in here now. I stumbled into the room and noticed something laying on our dining room table. As I got closer I realized that it was a small sign that read “Oh Baby, our nest is growing.”, a onesie that said, “Hello Daddy”, and a positive pregnancy test. I was overwhelmed with joy. I hugged my wife as tears began to fill my eyes and I kissed her over and over as I said, “You’re pregnant.” For the first time in my life I had a purpose, I was going to be a father. That feeling filled me with a sense of pride that I’ve never felt before. For those short weeks that I knew I had never felt more joy or more happiness.
To have that all come crashing down was hard. My wife began to have spotting, I assured her that it would be okay. She went to her OB/GYN to have an ultrasound and that’s when she found out that the embryo had stopped developing. When she told me it was like getting punched in the gut, my world stopped. Here I was at work trying to take care of people, but I didn’t know how I was going to take care of myself. I couldn’t hold my wife, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream, all I could do is walk around numb and try to pretend that everything was okay. I did my best, but as I told my boss why Kayla wasn’t going to be at work I broke down and cried like I’ve never cried before. I left work and came home to Kayla and the first thing she did was tell me that she was sorry…..I thought to myself how can she be sorry? Here I am only focusing on how I was feeling and I never thought how she would feel.
She was sorry because she felt like she had failed me she said. I was shocked, How could this be? I assured her that these things happened and that she wasn’t a failure in my eyes. In my eyes she was in that moment and will always be the mother of my children, my wife, and my rock. We held each other and cried.
The loss of a pregnancy was hard, but it’s the questions that run through my head that were are the hardest thing to deal with. Who would it have looked like? Who’s personality would it have had? Would it have been a boy or a girl? These are questions that I will never have the answer to. That’s the hardest part for me, the not knowing. That’s why I hate surprises, the lack of control and the helplessness.
As for moving on, I don’t know if I ever will truly move on. I think about it almost everyday. The only comfort I have is that Kayla didn’t have some ectopic pregnancy or something that would prevent us from having children.
I know that one day we will get pregnant and have children. I can’t tell you how I know, it’s just a feeling that I have. Call it a leap of faith or call it bullshit if you want. It doesn’t really matter to me. One day I will hold my child and this experience will have made me a better man, a better father, and a better husband.
Caleb Nuckols 